3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
