Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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