Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
