I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
