Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
