We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
