I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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