My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
