He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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