remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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