You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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