i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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