she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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