You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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