this just has baby written all over it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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