i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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