did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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