Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
