dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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