you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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