As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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