you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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