if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
