ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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