Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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