i was born a porn star she said
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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