we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
