ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
