i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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