You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
