Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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