So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
