Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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