All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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