So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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