I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
