OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
