if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
