Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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