Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
