one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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