I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
