get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life