i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body