We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy