I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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