Don't make out with my wife yet
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
