if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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