she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
