Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
