just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
