Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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