I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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