Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
