I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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