Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
