Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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